I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
