No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
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