u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize