I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
