I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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