im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
