You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
