i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize