i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize