you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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