areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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