i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
