i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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