According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
