I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i will never coherently bang her
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
