I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
