Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
