And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You can't special order awesome
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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