I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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