I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
