At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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