Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
