the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You pole danced in your parka.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
