there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
