i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
