Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize