You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
