Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Too much gin, very little bucket
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You ate ashes out of my bong
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
