Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
