I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
