It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i drank out of a bidet.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
