i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
