Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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