its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
