she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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