Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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