Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
