I puked a lego.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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