The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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