Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
