you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
