The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you inspire me to be a worse person
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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