but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
