im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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