can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
