SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
