I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Shitshow foam night was such a success
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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