i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
