how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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