After last night, I could never be a politician.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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