Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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