I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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