I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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