you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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