Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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