My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
