his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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