weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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