I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
